New Ponderings

Well, my 3rd IVF attempt was cancelled mid cycle, but my body is still not normal. My period is over a week late and I have had 3 negative pregnacy tests (BFNs). I was and still am quite concerned. The last time I was late, I was pregnant.

However, in speaking to some of the nurses at the fertility clinic, they mentioned that my body could be readjusting itself since the Estrace was used to put my uterus into a "holding" pattern for potential donor eggs. They asked me to phone the clinic back if my period doesn't show up next Monday.

It's been a kind of a weird day today. I feel rather sad and empty... I attended a wedding yesterday and was reminded that my 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It reminded me how long I have been on this infertility journey. I have come so far emotionally, but really have nothing to show for it but scars of pain.

There are days when I am glad that I don't have to worry about the complications involved in being a parent and then there are days when my heart aches when I see a child that I envision could be my own. Life's so funny that way... or should I say, we are so funny.

I am so thankful for the things God has blessed me with, for I deserve none of it. Yet, I ache for things that I cannot have and do not necessarily deserve. The grass always looks greener on the other side... human nature, human greed. There's a part of me that totally gets this and then there's a part of me that asks, "Why me?". I know the correct response should be "Why not me?" and rightfully so.

I guess I'm secreetly hoping for a miracle, a miracle baby...

December 29, 2009

The past few months have been very difficult. After 2 failed IVF cycles, my husband went into a depression. He was off from work for 2 months. I did my best to be supportive, but was struggling to keep myself emotionally balanced.

It was after my 2nd IVF cycle that the doctor mentioned that I have premature ovarian aging (POA). Although I was 33 for my 1st cycle, my ovaries looked like that of a 43 year old woman. We were devasted with the news, especially since I miscarried after 6 weeks with my first IVF cycle.

There are times when we ask why! Why did we wait so long to try IVF... to make a long story short... below was our time line

Married at age 28
Started journey for a family at 29
Found out husband had low sperm count at 30
I went for screening and all my tests appeared fine.
Husband went through 2 surgical procedures to fix varicocele. Completed when I was 32.
Varicocele did not fix low sperm count. Debated over IVF route, tried IUI twice.
First IVF at 33.
2nd IVF at 34. I found out about having POA.
Now considering using donor eggs and how I would "tell" my future child.