New Ponderings

Well, my 3rd IVF attempt was cancelled mid cycle, but my body is still not normal. My period is over a week late and I have had 3 negative pregnacy tests (BFNs). I was and still am quite concerned. The last time I was late, I was pregnant.

However, in speaking to some of the nurses at the fertility clinic, they mentioned that my body could be readjusting itself since the Estrace was used to put my uterus into a "holding" pattern for potential donor eggs. They asked me to phone the clinic back if my period doesn't show up next Monday.

It's been a kind of a weird day today. I feel rather sad and empty... I attended a wedding yesterday and was reminded that my 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It reminded me how long I have been on this infertility journey. I have come so far emotionally, but really have nothing to show for it but scars of pain.

There are days when I am glad that I don't have to worry about the complications involved in being a parent and then there are days when my heart aches when I see a child that I envision could be my own. Life's so funny that way... or should I say, we are so funny.

I am so thankful for the things God has blessed me with, for I deserve none of it. Yet, I ache for things that I cannot have and do not necessarily deserve. The grass always looks greener on the other side... human nature, human greed. There's a part of me that totally gets this and then there's a part of me that asks, "Why me?". I know the correct response should be "Why not me?" and rightfully so.

I guess I'm secreetly hoping for a miracle, a miracle baby...