Going to Cambodia

I have been waiting for God to give me a sign and He has been for the few months. I finally made a decision to go to Cambodia to help out an orphanage next summer. My hubby has agreed to go too!

I believe that God will continue to heal us as we ready ourselves to share His love with others in this new adventure.

June 25, 2010 - How Easily We Forget...

Wow! It's been nearly 3 weeks since my last post. I, of course, am not pregnant. =) However, I have decided to get a second opinion from another clinic about my odds of concieving through IVF-ICSI.

My mom called me today to tell me about dinner with my great aunt and uncle this weekend. I forgot how old they have become! I often think I'm in some time capsule. Mom's told me that my great aunt is going in for surgery in a few weeks. She is unable to lift her legs to walk. She has be crawling up her stairs! OMG!

Her passion has always been her garden, and she is unable to tend to it. I am certain that it pains her to see her yard a muck. She has no children of her own and my mother mentioned that they admit being lonely in this time of confronting their aging bodies. Unfortunately my mother is not forgiving with her words and doesn't sugar coat things she says... I am certain that she said some things that would be borderline offensive.

I will be praying for the both of them this evening... Thank God they have each other right now. I would hate to imagine how devasting it would be if one of them were to pass on.

New Ponderings

Well, my 3rd IVF attempt was cancelled mid cycle, but my body is still not normal. My period is over a week late and I have had 3 negative pregnacy tests (BFNs). I was and still am quite concerned. The last time I was late, I was pregnant.

However, in speaking to some of the nurses at the fertility clinic, they mentioned that my body could be readjusting itself since the Estrace was used to put my uterus into a "holding" pattern for potential donor eggs. They asked me to phone the clinic back if my period doesn't show up next Monday.

It's been a kind of a weird day today. I feel rather sad and empty... I attended a wedding yesterday and was reminded that my 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It reminded me how long I have been on this infertility journey. I have come so far emotionally, but really have nothing to show for it but scars of pain.

There are days when I am glad that I don't have to worry about the complications involved in being a parent and then there are days when my heart aches when I see a child that I envision could be my own. Life's so funny that way... or should I say, we are so funny.

I am so thankful for the things God has blessed me with, for I deserve none of it. Yet, I ache for things that I cannot have and do not necessarily deserve. The grass always looks greener on the other side... human nature, human greed. There's a part of me that totally gets this and then there's a part of me that asks, "Why me?". I know the correct response should be "Why not me?" and rightfully so.

I guess I'm secreetly hoping for a miracle, a miracle baby...

The End...

It's funny how when we think we have jumped through the last hoop that we realize we are encountering a new set of hoops. After much counselling and prayer, we finally decided to pursue the Donor Egg avenue.

This new path would bring complications... do we tell our child or not...

After much debate, we came to an agreement. My sister, a true gift from God, agreed to be my egg donor. Needless to say this month has been gruelling for the both of us, in and out of the clinic for blood tests and ultrasounds and daily injections of IVF medications.

During this process, we learned that my sister and I are similar in many ways, as we seemingly inherited the same type of ovaries. She, like me, had 4 follicles on one side and maybe 1 on the other! We decided to continue with the cycle and were preparing for egg retrieval, when we received the call today that we would have to cancel this cycle...

Apparently her estrogen levels had plateaued, meaning that the potential eggs would not likely lead to a pregnancy... This is truly God telling my sister and I that we weren't made for IVF procedures. In conclusion, my husband and I are destined to not have children with either of our genetics...

It's been nearly a year since my 2nd IVF cycle. I've come a long way in realizing that this is God's will. Am I sad? Yes. Am I devastated? No.

I recall telling my husband yesterday, God has blessed me with many great things already. Now I have closure and am ready for the next chapter of my life.

Potential new job for Hubby

Well, my hubby might be getting a new job... something that we've been hoping for a the past few years. We've been puppy sitting/ training my sister's new dog Mo Mo. He's 5 months old and should be going home in another 3 or 4 months. My sister-in-law also just bought a puppy and her pup comes over for 3-4 hours Mon - Fri. So needless to say, my house is a "dog house"!

December 29, 2009

The past few months have been very difficult. After 2 failed IVF cycles, my husband went into a depression. He was off from work for 2 months. I did my best to be supportive, but was struggling to keep myself emotionally balanced.

It was after my 2nd IVF cycle that the doctor mentioned that I have premature ovarian aging (POA). Although I was 33 for my 1st cycle, my ovaries looked like that of a 43 year old woman. We were devasted with the news, especially since I miscarried after 6 weeks with my first IVF cycle.

There are times when we ask why! Why did we wait so long to try IVF... to make a long story short... below was our time line

Married at age 28
Started journey for a family at 29
Found out husband had low sperm count at 30
I went for screening and all my tests appeared fine.
Husband went through 2 surgical procedures to fix varicocele. Completed when I was 32.
Varicocele did not fix low sperm count. Debated over IVF route, tried IUI twice.
First IVF at 33.
2nd IVF at 34. I found out about having POA.
Now considering using donor eggs and how I would "tell" my future child.