June 25, 2010 - How Easily We Forget...

Wow! It's been nearly 3 weeks since my last post. I, of course, am not pregnant. =) However, I have decided to get a second opinion from another clinic about my odds of concieving through IVF-ICSI.

My mom called me today to tell me about dinner with my great aunt and uncle this weekend. I forgot how old they have become! I often think I'm in some time capsule. Mom's told me that my great aunt is going in for surgery in a few weeks. She is unable to lift her legs to walk. She has be crawling up her stairs! OMG!

Her passion has always been her garden, and she is unable to tend to it. I am certain that it pains her to see her yard a muck. She has no children of her own and my mother mentioned that they admit being lonely in this time of confronting their aging bodies. Unfortunately my mother is not forgiving with her words and doesn't sugar coat things she says... I am certain that she said some things that would be borderline offensive.

I will be praying for the both of them this evening... Thank God they have each other right now. I would hate to imagine how devasting it would be if one of them were to pass on.

New Ponderings

Well, my 3rd IVF attempt was cancelled mid cycle, but my body is still not normal. My period is over a week late and I have had 3 negative pregnacy tests (BFNs). I was and still am quite concerned. The last time I was late, I was pregnant.

However, in speaking to some of the nurses at the fertility clinic, they mentioned that my body could be readjusting itself since the Estrace was used to put my uterus into a "holding" pattern for potential donor eggs. They asked me to phone the clinic back if my period doesn't show up next Monday.

It's been a kind of a weird day today. I feel rather sad and empty... I attended a wedding yesterday and was reminded that my 7th wedding anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. It reminded me how long I have been on this infertility journey. I have come so far emotionally, but really have nothing to show for it but scars of pain.

There are days when I am glad that I don't have to worry about the complications involved in being a parent and then there are days when my heart aches when I see a child that I envision could be my own. Life's so funny that way... or should I say, we are so funny.

I am so thankful for the things God has blessed me with, for I deserve none of it. Yet, I ache for things that I cannot have and do not necessarily deserve. The grass always looks greener on the other side... human nature, human greed. There's a part of me that totally gets this and then there's a part of me that asks, "Why me?". I know the correct response should be "Why not me?" and rightfully so.

I guess I'm secreetly hoping for a miracle, a miracle baby...